The following report is published in the 2014 spring issue of the Chan Magazine.
Two days after I returned home from volunteering for the retreat, I had a dream of Shifu
(Chan Master Sheng Yen). He appeared as if he were alive. Though I had never spoken with him, he talked in Chinese as if we had known each other.
“Who has been teaching you the ways of the Dharma?” Shifu asked.
I bowed and replied, “Shifu, I started studying with the teachers at DDRC.” Shifu smiled. Then he pointed behind me and said that he knew of two places that are accepting disciples, and that I could see if they would take on someone new.
I thanked Shifu for his guidance, and started racing as fast as I could towards where he pointed, hoping to make it at least to the first place. Before I reached anywhere along the seemingly endless path, Shifu disappeared, and I woke up. Strangely, I could no longer recall the names Shifu so kindly instructed me to remember.
When I first volunteered at DDRC, I foolishly declared that I wished to reach enlightenment in
this lifetime, to which Chang Wen Fashi replied that there are many lifetimes to work towards enlightenment. I was puzzled by the response, because I was eager to learn, practice, and read everything I could about Chan Buddhism. That all suffering connected to this body, this life and this world would cease to exist if enlightenment were reached, had been my primary motive for studying. I kept thinking if I were just given seven days, ten days, twenty days of practice, if I were able to lead a monastic existence, for sure I could be enlightened then.
My delusion of entering the state of enlightenment was shattered during one of the evening dharma talks on this retreat, when the teacher told a story about an American champion
dog. The dog had been a winner, but during one race he suddenly realized that it was futile to chase the hare, to run in circles all of his life–so the dog stopped running. To the shock of everyone who put money on the champion dog, he lost.
We are all champion dogs in some ways. Most of us are taught since birth to win. Life is a race to be the best, the most extraordinary, the most gifted. Myself, I needed to receive first prizes in competitions, play major concerts, get into top schools, feel superior to others, make my family proud, secure the most prestigious jobs. These goals amount to not only the meaning but the prerequisite of a worthwhile, albeit miserable, existence. For all attainments and ideas of success bring dukkha (suffering)–it arises of thirst, and cannot cease until the possession of wisdom.
Buddhism made me see how fruitless my previous struggles had been. But in wanting to realize the ultimate truth taught by the Buddha, I fell into another trap; I judged others by their practice demeanor, I became impatient during Dharma discussion if I did not deem the student comments “lucid”, I sought the perfect teacher and the most effective method, forgetting that any teacher and method has something to offer. In fact, in craving enlightenment and looking for an end to physical and mental suffering, I had become just another champion dog running for a different race, chasing a different hare, and trying to win on a different track.
The retreat made me observe my illusion up close. Desiring enlightenment is unrealistic; not in the sense that enlightenment is unachievable, but in the sense that it is absolutely unnecessary to achieve. If I could live mindfully, if I could walk mindfully, if I could breathe and chant and sleep mindfully, if I could concentrate my mind and remain aware of each and every single moment, if my thoughts could arise and self-destruct–then what do I crave enlightenment for?
As soon as I saw that, I felt briefly liberated from my own habit energies of winning and achieving. I continue to feel deep gratitude and immense confidence in the teaching of Shifu, DDRC, and in Buddhadharma. But whether I reach enlightenment this retreat, next retreat, this lifetime, or many life times away, I no longer care as much. All methods, people and places that we try to hold onto dearly, such as teachers, temples, Chan Buddhism, self or atman, are subject to impermanence. No matter how hard we try to attach ourselves to the idea of enlightenment and the teachings of Dharma, we eventually will have to let go of it.
In the end, there is really no “me” to realize enlightenment, is there? Buddha said, “Within this fathom-long sentient body itself, I postulate the world, the arising of the world, the cessation of the world, and the path leading to the cessation of the world.” But “I” am nothing, nothing but the five aggregates, wherein all the Four Noble Truths can be found. For realization realizes itself; and enlightenment enlightens itself, as soon as the mind clears.
In this present moment, I may appear to be going forward, like a slow-moving race dog, destined to lose. But maybe some day, I will again come across those nameless monasteries that Shifu once tried to show me, in the now distant dreams.
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